Whenever the decision to act is made, seemingly, the ego has other plans, it too has its wants and needs for the integrated self.
For lack of a better term, I say integrated self as to illustrate that the mind is a collective conscious apparatus. It’s a collective system of being. We know that it’s made up of the self, ego and persona.
It’s like the collective integrated self is the consequence of the ego’s ideas, beliefs, and it pitches those ideas to be integrated into its desired effect.
For example, If I were to make a decision to act on something, the ego would have other ideas for what effect it wants. It would speculate and contemplate on the means and whether it serves it.
If I decided to do something positive or healthy for myself, the ego would try to assert itself in an attempt to steer control.
The moment I begin to act on my alternative task or behavior, the ego immediately tries to garner control out of fear and lack of trust.
In the context of writing, I’ll sit down comfortably on my chair, I’ll open up the page I want to work on and suddenly there is a wave of resistance. This is the ego.
Because, the action is not totally familiar and not embedded into who I am, the ego has other plans to make sure that it sustains its existence.
Suddenly a collection of symptoms will amass, tiredness, apathy, lack of concentration, lack of focus, yawning etc.
Next, thoughts will appear concerning whether the task is even worth it, the time, the effort, is it even worth committing to, over the choice to sleep?
These questions are what the ego uses at its disposal. It knows that in the process of conquering fears and traversing unfamiliar and uncertain territory, it doesn’t exist and therefore it has to react fervently out of insecurity and doubt.
The ego is justified in its revolt against the emerging self. If it can’t assert itself and if it doesn’t have a reason yet to let go it will throw all kinds of deterrents and tactics as if some kind of game.
The symptoms are more like deterrents rather than harsh prohibitors. With the deterrents, there’s still some wiggle room and space for freedom of choice, because there’s still room to contemplate and allow for the weight of decision in order to fully make the choice of either to follow the path of the former self and behaviors associated with the ego, or to follow ahead on the near uncertain but emerging passion of the self.
Knowing that the symptoms are deterrents, it means that the ego is powerless enough to not outright stop the self from emerging. It can’t assert itself enough to forcefully remove me out of the seat and put me back on the bed to sleep. The ego can’t make one do anything, that’s not where its power lies, its power lies in trying to convince the self to submit to its authority.
However, this is the reason for freedom of choice, because in freedom of choice the ego can merely and only use deterrents to influence the self to be more likely to make a favorable decision. It’s not as powerful as it seems, because if it were, it wouldn’t need to battle or resist by using force.
In its use of tactics, the deterrents merely extend the time to make a decision. At first it can use tiredness and apathy as to waste time, drain energy and lose patience. After enough time has elapsed, the ego will be convinced that I would be ready to give up. It’s nearly convinced, because its the most predictable reaction to the tactic. The normal way to react if something is not working and requires excess patience, is usually when it’s time to give up and submit to the former self/ego.
Impatience in reaction to wasted time and tiredness is a completely predictable pattern for the ego and rely’s on it heavily.
What happens if you do something unpredictable?
A couple of loose screws, a witty atmosphere, a willingness to have, a character with nothing to lose, a tired spirit starving for fulfillment.
These are the traits most unfavorable to the ego, because it threatens predictability.
Upon immersing into the present, fostering the freedom of choice, nothing exists except the present moment. Nothing defines me, not my past or who I think I am matters except my will and my action in this very moment. With this type of attitude, it renders the ego’s territory unstable.
As a result of this unbashful attitude and the ego’s continuous and dedicated resistance through tiredness, impatience, discomfort etc. Eventually there will come a point where it can’t spend anymore energy. At the point of climax where the ego can’t spend any more force using its tactful deterrents, it has to give leeway to your right to decision.
A crucial aspect to include is in the willingness to have in the emerging self, the strength of its will can turn the deterrents of the ego into fuel and fodder.
When the pain or the symptoms of ego resistance is worth the gratification of attaining the goal, that is when the tiredness and impatience becomes a source of motivation and inspiration.
The withstanding of the resistance becomes an act of unconditional love.
It’s about allowing the ego to resist and express its emotional frustration but also not permitting to leave my position.
To stay put in my position, while withstanding the tantrum of the infantilized ego, I’ve allowed it to express itself. Then, once the wave of symptomatic deterrents has come or the stream of emotions has circulated, I then have the power to redirect the flow of the stream, that is, whether to direct the tiredness, apathy and impatience into a favorable alternative direction.
It takes a level of patience and a strong will to foster the freedom of choice. The freedom of choice derives from redirecting the deterrents and using that as motivation and fuel for creative output.
Nothing drastic is necessary, the requirements are simply to stay in the current position like a tree with strong thick roots.
The compulsive urge to sleep or follow shallow distractions has to be less than the will to have.
Meaning, the strength to withstand compulsive urges has to be greater than the resistance of that former instinct.
In truth, underneath such vicious attack and resistance, lies an engrained core belief. The belief that such free choices are not worth it to the ego. It will ask “Is this all really worth it”? “Is this worth the effort”? “Am I worth any effort”? These questions are sure to rise to the surface in the moments of free choice.
In the moments of symptomatic deterrences, it prompts an opportunity, a crucial one at that. When there is resistance, doubt and fear, it means there is something to be worked on, it means there is work to be done.
It’s about invoking the core belief as a result of facing one’s fears. In that moment of confrontation an opportunity is born to test the ego and its core belief. The core belief, that it is not worth it, is something the ego made up, it is something that was learned and manufactured by itself. Meaning, if this notion or belief was learned, that means it also has the potential to change and be substituted with a new belief.
The problem is that the ego identifies with those behaviors, attitudes and symptoms. It’ll think to itself, “I’m lazy”. I’m too tired”. “I can’t be bothered”. The problem, is that it identifies with these kinds of criteria.
But, what happens when you begin to detach from that? What happens when you create free space between those thoughts and behaviors?
By doing so, you allow for there to be wiggle room and space for free thought. By detaching from such symptoms, the ability of free choice can be fostered.
If I no longer identify with that, that means I can choose for myself what I believe and what defines me, that is the gift of opening up and activating the present moment.
It’s about creating the space for change. Fortunately, pain and resistance both allow for that opportunity to work. Both pain and resistance can serve as fuel and fodder for one’s goals, because that pain is what makes it worth it.
In all of the ego’s attempts to win me over, it will spend a plethora of energy to do so. However, the energy it spends trying to convince me otherwise, only makes me stronger.
How can that be?
I believe it has something to do with gratification. The resistance becomes a source of gratification because it further confirms and amounts to the weight and value of my decision.
The more the ego has to try and convince me, the stronger my roots will plant firm into the ground, because the power of saying no is attributed exponential value. It grants leverage and purifies my true intention.
I believe, by harvesting the energy that comes from pain and resistance and the strength to withstand that, grants leverage and motivation that can be used towards a creative endeavor.
Allow the ego to invest its energy on trying to convince you, allow it to complain and be frustrated; that is unconditional love. It has a good reason and a right to express its frustration, because in acting on free will, it doesn’t exist.
It knows that by changing behaviors and dissolving doubts and fears, it no longer exists. It just needs a viable reason to let go of its grip. It was only harboring under the belief that it wasn’t worth it, it was under the belief that its existence was worthless.
However, when you assure that the belief was merely learned and manufactured by itself, it no longer has anything to defend. Once the underlying belief is dissipated, the sustaining structure falls along with it, it collapses.
If the ego has nothing to defend, that means there is no reason to resist, so ultimately it has to let go and give leeway to your free will.
To not look at symptomatic expressions at face value, is the prerequisite and essence of free choice.